1
00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:06,238
Hold it.
   I haven't had my dessert.

2
00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:12,678
    Oh, gross! What is that?

3
00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:16,081
       It's a slimeball.

4
00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:19,084
- ALF!
- I know what you're gonna say.

5
00:00:19,086 --> 00:00:21,220
    I shouldn't bring treats
    to the table

6
00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:23,522
      unless I have enough
      for everyone.

7
00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:27,493
     - Well, we're in luck.
     - No, we're not.

8
00:00:27,495 --> 00:00:30,896
  You sure? There's a surprise
  in the center.

9
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:34,433
- ALF, where did you get those?
- Melmac.

10
00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:38,370
I usually buy wild cherry
but all they had left was slug.

11
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,839
             - Oh!
             - ALF.

12
00:00:40,841 --> 00:00:43,042
What's the surprise
      in the center?

13
00:00:43,044 --> 00:00:44,476
     I'll give you a hint.

14
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:47,379
In wild cherry, it was a cherry.

15
00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:52,618
      - We'll pass.
      - Okay. More for me.

16
00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:54,186
  You know, it's a lucky thing
  I found these

17
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:56,055
    when I was cleaning out
    my spaceship.

18
00:00:56,057 --> 00:00:58,390
  Couple of more months
  and they would've gone bad.

19
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,859
 - Oh, no!
 - Oh, they're not that stale.

20
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:04,630
     - No, i-it's a roach!
     - Roach?

21
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:06,432
  Well, I think someone's been

22
00:01:06,434 --> 00:01:08,934
      slacking off
      on her housekeeping.

23
00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:12,037
It came from your bag.

24
00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:15,507
    Well...needless to say..

25
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:19,011
    ...that's the last time
    I shop at Ed's Bakery.

26
00:01:19,013 --> 00:01:22,014
         [theme music]

27
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:55,414
       [music continues]

28
00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,776
    - Where'd the roach go?
    - It ran under the bag.

29
00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:27,246
     - Somebody step on it.
     - There it goes.

30
00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:29,848
   - Oh!
   - Look, it has blue eyes!

31
00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:32,651
Of course it does.
It's a roach.

32
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,520
              ALF, roaches don't
              have blue eyes.

33
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:37,556
    They have..
    I don't know what they have.

34
00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:39,825
      Well, on Melmac,
their eyes are blue.

35
00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:41,393
      Haven't you ever
      heard the expression

36
00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:44,796
     "Her eyes were as blue
     as a roaches?"

37
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:47,833
- Would somebody just squash it?
- Wait a minute, Kate.

38
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:50,435
    This thing came
    all the way from Melmac.

39
00:02:50,437 --> 00:02:52,538
    It's a unique specimen.

40
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:55,674
 We already have
 a unique specimen from Melmac.

41
00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:59,912
      You're comparing me
      to a cockroach?

42
00:02:59,914 --> 00:03:03,282
   - I'm gonna get the spray.
   - Answer me!

43
00:03:03,284 --> 00:03:04,816
        But, mom, wait!

44
00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:06,818
       I wanna take it
       to show-and-tell.

45
00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:09,755
It will be
   just as interesting dead.

46
00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:12,624
  Do you have to kill it,
  I mean, couldn't you just..

47
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:15,360
  ...I don't know, like let it
  loose in the backyard?

48
00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,829
       No, no,
       here's what we should do.

49
00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:20,299
         We should catch it,
         I'll build a little box

50
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:22,534
   we'll put a piece of doughnut
   right in the middle.

51
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,169
              Then, you guys
              make sure that ALF

52
00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:26,838
  doesn't get to the doughnut
  before the roach does.

53
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:27,973
          Then, I'll..

54
00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:29,975
[hissing]

55
00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:37,716
      Never mind the box.

56
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:40,118
You mentioned something
about a doughnut?

57
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,421
Mom, you didn't have to kill it.

58
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:44,590
      Roaches are filthy
      disgusting creatures

59
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:46,525
      that carry disease.

60
00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:49,728
    I thought we were
    talking about doughnuts.

61
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,763
     There is no doughnut.

62
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,665
Can we give the roach
a funeral?

63
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:57,069
We shouldn't bury it,
we should keep it for studying.

64
00:03:57,071 --> 00:04:00,973
I'm just curious. What kind of
doughnut would it have been?

65
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:04,409
            - Plain.
            - Plain?

66
00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:07,446
With all the choices
they have nowadays?

67
00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:09,748
            Can we forget
            about this doughnut?

68
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:11,383
Well, you got me going.

69
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:15,554
ALF, we are trying to figure out
what to do with the roach.

70
00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:17,623
Why? It's gone.

71
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:21,260
- What?
- Look, it's not there anymore.

72
00:04:21,262 --> 00:04:22,394
Where did it go?

73
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:23,962
        Maybe you didn't
        spray it enough.

74
00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:28,600
     - I used half a can.
     - I'll be right back.

75
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,202
      Where are you going?

76
00:04:30,204 --> 00:04:33,605
I'm going to call
a doughnut place that delivers!

77
00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:39,678
Come on, everybody.
We are gonna find that roach.

78
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,748
       - Kate, calm down!
       - Calm down?

79
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:45,984
     There is a space-roach
     loose in our house.

80
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:48,720
 Well, maybe it went somewhere
 to die with dignity.

81
00:04:50,124 --> 00:04:51,990
                   Psst, Willie.

82
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,792
Yeah, alright, ALF

83
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,260
you can order the doughnuts.

84
00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:59,598
   I already did. But that's not
   why I said psst.

85
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,733
Well, why did you say, "Psst?"

86
00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,802
             Just come out here.

87
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:09,474
What is all this secrecy about?

88
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:11,009
I didn't want to upset Kate.

89
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:13,278
          W-what is it
that would upset Kate?

90
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:17,516
I believe a foot-long cockroach
would upset Kate.

91
00:05:22,556 --> 00:05:25,090
Old blue eyes is back.

92
00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:29,561
          [screeching]

93
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:32,564
      [instrumental music]

94
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:34,866
       Come on, you guys,
       I told grandma

95
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,168
      we'd be at her place
      in ten minutes.

96
00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:38,003
               Can the cockroach
               come with us?

97
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:41,139
Brian, I think you're
missing the point of this trip.

98
00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:43,342
    Just get packed, please,
    let's get in the car.

99
00:05:43,344 --> 00:05:44,776
Mom, why do we
have to take so much?

100
00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:47,446
I mean, we're coming back.

101
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,448
We are coming back, aren't we?

102
00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:52,384
    Yes, when the cockroach
    is killed.

103
00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:53,885
   But it was killed before.

104
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:56,822
 This time I want to see a body.

105
00:05:57,825 --> 00:06:00,025
          - Good news.
          - It's dead?

106
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:03,061
 Well, let's just say, it's got
 three feet in the grave.

107
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:05,063
       The exterminator's
       on his way over.

108
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:07,466
 [sighs]
 We don't need an exterminator.

109
00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:09,801
   We need Sigourney Weaver.

110
00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:13,739
    Kate, unpack your bags.

111
00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:16,541
 ALF, cancel the exterminator.

112
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:19,344
     I've killed the roach.

113
00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:21,580
Honey, that's wonderful.

114
00:06:21,582 --> 00:06:23,682
       Tell us how you
       killed the roach.

115
00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:25,784
    Yeah, how'd you kill Rodney?

116
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:30,856
You named it...after my brother?

117
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:33,759
  - I, I, I can't help, but--
  - Willie.

118
00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:36,094
     How did you kill the roach?

119
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:38,063
I used the spray.

120
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:40,198
  Did you actually see the body?

121
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,334
   - I saw it hit the floor.
   - And then?

122
00:06:42,336 --> 00:06:44,269
And then I came in here.

123
00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:47,139
          So we're talking about
          an unconfirmed kill.

124
00:06:48,142 --> 00:06:49,808
Technically.

125
00:06:50,477 --> 00:06:52,210
        Let's go, kids. Come on.

126
00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:55,680
Wait! Kate, I emptied
a whole can of spray on it.

127
00:06:55,682 --> 00:06:58,350
I tell you, it's dead.

128
00:06:58,352 --> 00:07:00,352
           [thudding]

129
00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:04,055
     Call me when you
     get to your mother's.

130
00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:06,391
     Keep in touch, Willie.
     Let's go, Kate.

131
00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:08,427
Say, you're not going anywhere.

132
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,162
       That's your roach.

133
00:07:10,164 --> 00:07:12,898
   It was my roach
   when it was an inch long.

134
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:15,567
  Now it belongs to the world.

135
00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:17,502
   Stay right where you are.

136
00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:19,671
 I-I'll call you
 when the exterminator leaves.

137
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:22,574
 - Goodbye, honey. Be careful.
 - Bye.

138
00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:25,577
    - Bye, dad. Bye, Rodney!
    - Bye. Rodney.

139
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:26,912
Bye, daddy.

140
00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:28,680
Listen, if it goes into my room

141
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:31,416
  I don't wanna know about it.
  Bye, ALF.

142
00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:36,788
Listen, what's that exterminator

143
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,890
   plan to use on this thing?

144
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:41,693
      I don't know. Spray.

145
00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:44,496
          - Hmm.
          - Hmm, what?

146
00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:47,265
   Well, maybe nothing, but..

147
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:50,335
   ...we started with a roach
   this big.

148
00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:52,003
Kate sprayed it, a minute later

149
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:54,506
       it was big enough
       to wear a sweater.

150
00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:56,975
   Then you sprayed it again.

151
00:07:56,977 --> 00:08:00,111
Now, I hate to extrapolate,
but--

152
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:04,883
     ALF, what happened when you
sprayed roaches on Melmac?

153
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:07,919
We didn't have spray on Melmac..

154
00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:11,122
...which, in retrospect,
seems like a pretty good thing.

155
00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:12,457
           [thudding]

156
00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:15,093
       [roach scurrying]

157
00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:17,863
   W-what's it doing back there?

158
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:20,465
     Anything it wants to.

159
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:22,467
        [doorbell rings]

160
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:25,737
             You-you better hide
             in the kitchen.

161
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:29,474
    Oh, great! The one place
    roaches always go.

162
00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:32,444
                Would you rather
                hide back there?

163
00:08:32,446 --> 00:08:35,881
 If you need me I'll be on top
of the refrigerator.

164
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,953
        - Exterminator.
        - Oh, right.

165
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:44,122
       - Where are they?
       - In the bedroom.

166
00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:47,058
  Uh, but, actually there aren't
  really all that many.

167
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:51,162
             Actually, uh,
             there's...just one.

168
00:08:51,164 --> 00:08:52,697
One roach?

169
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,566
         Hmm, just the one, yes.
         Mm-hmm.

170
00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:56,768
What're you,
some kind of phobic?

171
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:58,937
                         Phobic?

172
00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:01,106
                            Yes.

173
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:04,309
Alright, I'll go kill the roach.

174
00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:07,245
       Wait, wait just
       a minute, please.

175
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:10,682
- You-you can't use that spray.
- Why not?

176
00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:12,217
           Because..

177
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,186
    ...who knows what effect
    it'll have on the roach.

178
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:17,389
 Well, if history's any teacher

179
00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:20,225
       the general effect
       will be death.

180
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:23,061
         Ideally...yes.

181
00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:26,431
  But this is a special roach.

182
00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:28,733
       What is it? A pet?

183
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:31,269
      Don't use the spray.

184
00:09:31,838 --> 00:09:34,406
         Fine. I won't.

185
00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:36,408
I don't believe you.

186
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:39,411
Give me the tank.

187
00:09:41,315 --> 00:09:44,549
          Want my shoes too?
          So I don't step on it?

188
00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:46,851
  I was hoping
you might be able to suggest

189
00:09:46,853 --> 00:09:49,588
    some more scientific way
    to kill it.

190
00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:51,089
         Oh, I'm sorry.

191
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:54,626
 I left my heat-seeking missile
 in the car.

192
00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:56,695
Oh, now you're making fun of me.

193
00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:58,029
           Yes, I am.

194
00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:00,465
   I'll just take a magazine
   and whack it.

195
00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:04,336
Uh, wait, wait.

196
00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:07,272
              Take this instead.

197
00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:18,350
    Psst! Did you warn him?

198
00:10:18,352 --> 00:10:19,551
             Yeah.

199
00:10:19,553 --> 00:10:22,520
     But I...I don't think
     he believed me.

200
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,424
        [man screaming]

201
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:29,060
    Maybe you'd better open
    the front door.

202
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:34,532
Let me out of here! Ah!

203
00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:41,973
    I...I've got to see this
    for myself.

204
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:46,111
     You want me
     to hold the door open?

205
00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:50,949
      How big did it get?

206
00:10:50,951 --> 00:10:53,952
      Well, that depends.

207
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:56,788
  Do you measure
  at the shoulder or the head?

208
00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:59,991
      [instrumental music]

209
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:06,598
      [instrumental music]

210
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:10,368
      (ALF)
      'Let's go, Willie!'

211
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:13,271
     We're all packed
     and I started the car.

212
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:16,174
     We're not running away
     from this roach.

213
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:19,044
   You didn't hear me,
   I said, we're driving away

214
00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:21,279
from this roach.

215
00:11:22,649 --> 00:11:24,416
     No, I'm not giving up.

216
00:11:24,418 --> 00:11:26,418
    I'm gonna find something
    to kill it.

217
00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:29,921
      Well, may I suggest
      the national guard.

218
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:31,823
      I'd prefer a method
      that would keep us

219
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:34,025
    off the 6 o'clock news.

220
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,293
  Alright, I'll see you later.

221
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,629
   D stands for drive, right?

222
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:42,534
                     ALF, look..

223
00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:45,570
            ...panicking is not
            gonna help anything.

224
00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:48,973
Yeah, right.
Let's just sit around and read.

225
00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:52,077
      This is not reading.
This is research.

226
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:54,713
I'm going to solve this problem

227
00:11:54,715 --> 00:11:57,215
with a calm, clinical approach.

228
00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:00,819
That's exactly what
those guys in Detroit said.

229
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,253
Then one morning they woke up

230
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:06,124
and found themselves
infested with jaffees.

231
00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:08,593
           - Jaffees?
           - Yeah.

232
00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:10,328
      Bloodsucking maggots

233
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,731
      that take the shape
      of their host.

234
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:14,933
            [hisses]

235
00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:17,736
            Detroit?

236
00:12:17,738 --> 00:12:20,839
        - Michigan?
        - You amaze me.

237
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:24,042
   You think that's the only
   Detroit in the universe?

238
00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:27,445
- Where's the other one?
    - On Melmac.

239
00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:30,181
Lot of good RandB groups
came out of there.

240
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:33,084
      Thank you, ALF. Thank you.

241
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,286
           But if we could
           stick to the problem.

242
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:38,289
 We're supposed to be
 finding a way to kill roaches.

243
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:41,659
    I thought of one,
    but you didn't like it.

244
00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:44,662
    I don't have a harpoon.

245
00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:46,397
Whose fault is that?

246
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:49,834
I mean, you can't expect me
to take care of everything.

247
00:12:49,836 --> 00:12:53,538
   I think I may have discovered
   a less violent solution.

248
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,373
Now, all these books say

249
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:59,244
     that the best way to kill
     roaches is with boric acid.

250
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:02,614
Oh, yeah, that's what
they used on the jaffees.

251
00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:04,149
       Well, did it work?

252
00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:05,683
     Let's put it this way.

253
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:09,420
      Detroit became known
      as Jaffee Town.

254
00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:11,489
    Maybe they didn't have
    the right concentration.

255
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:13,391
            Fortunately,
            I have access to all

256
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:15,927
 the latest scientific research.

257
00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:18,163
"McCall's?"

258
00:13:18,165 --> 00:13:21,032
      They did an article
      on poison, okay?

259
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:23,468
  (Trevor)
'Yo, Tanner, you in there?'

260
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:26,371
              Quick, ALF...
              under the counter.

261
00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:29,574
   It's crawling with spiders
   back there!

262
00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:31,509
              Go!

263
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:34,746
    Well, can I at least
    take something to read?

264
00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:36,414
                           Here.

265
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:39,083
 "Steve Allen's World Of Bugs."

266
00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:41,719
  Great. I've already read it.

267
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:52,130
         - Hi, Tanner.
         - Hi, Trevor.

268
00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:54,699
I saw the exterminator
leave your house in such a hurry

269
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,835
      he dropped his tank.

270
00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:59,070
          - Bugs?
          - Oh, yeah.

271
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:01,973
We, uh, have a little
           cockroach problem.

272
00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,808
Ah, yeah, cockroaches.

273
00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:07,378
Blattella germanica,
our little prehistoric friend.

274
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:09,581
  You know, cockroach fossils
  have been found

275
00:14:09,583 --> 00:14:12,150
that are over
three hundred million years old.

276
00:14:12,152 --> 00:14:13,718
That's nice, Trevor.

277
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:17,322
I'll never forget the cockroach
problem we had back in Korea.

278
00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:18,656
     They were everywhere.

279
00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:21,659
You took a step,
it was like walking on crackers.

280
00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:24,729
    Isn't that interesting.

281
00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:26,798
         There's more.

282
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,466
    I'm sorry, please go on.

283
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:31,002
We used to have to go to sleep
  with our boots on.

284
00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:32,837
               Because you know
               the oriental ones

285
00:14:32,839 --> 00:14:36,808
 when they bite,
 they secrete this weird saliva.

286
00:14:36,810 --> 00:14:39,244
     Kinda like meat tenderizer.

287
00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:42,647
            - No!
            - Yeah.

288
00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:45,583
      You get enough of that
      in your system, forget it.

289
00:14:45,585 --> 00:14:47,819
               They showed us
               a movie about it.

290
00:14:47,821 --> 00:14:49,954
      David Niven was brilliant.

291
00:14:49,956 --> 00:14:52,523
       Well, I'll see ya.

292
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:53,958
        Oh, by the way..

293
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,794
 ...I took the liberty
of spraying around your house.

294
00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:59,130
          - You what?
          - Yeah.

295
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,633
   I noticed the exterminator
   forgot to do it.

296
00:15:01,635 --> 00:15:04,369
       So I dosed it up
       for ya real good.

297
00:15:04,371 --> 00:15:08,273
          - No charge.
          - Oh, no!

298
00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:11,442
       I said, no charge.

299
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:15,413
      [instrumental music]

300
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:27,525
      Where are you going?

301
00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:29,661
Oh, I'm going to the drugstore.

302
00:15:29,663 --> 00:15:32,230
I'm gonna buy
all the boric acid they've got.

303
00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:33,965
     But you heard Trevor.

304
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:36,534
   What if you come back
   and I've been tenderized?

305
00:15:36,536 --> 00:15:39,737
I-I-I won't be gone long.
I'll only be gone five minutes.

306
00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:43,107
      - Take me with you.
      - You know I can't.

307
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:45,476
  Well, throw me in the trunk.

308
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,712
       There's no air.
       You'll suffocate.

309
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:51,549
  I'll wear scuba gear.
  That'll give me 30 minutes.

310
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:55,186
Plus, if you drive off a bridge,
I'll survive.

311
00:15:56,256 --> 00:15:58,790
  I haven't got time to argue.

312
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,291
          Alright, go!

313
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:03,261
   First, Kate and the kids,
   now you.

314
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,663
   I feel like
   the pretty, little virgin.

315
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:06,698
         The-the what?

316
00:16:06,700 --> 00:16:08,399
    You know,
    the apple-cheeked maiden

317
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:12,270
that the cowardly townspeople
 feed to the dragon.

318
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,572
  Don't you read fairy tales?

319
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:17,542
      This is a discussion

320
00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:20,044
 that we're going to postpone.

321
00:16:20,046 --> 00:16:22,847
       - I'm leaving now.
       - Fine.

322
00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:26,651
 I'll just toddle off into
 the kitchen and saute myself.

323
00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:29,620
           Oh, ALF..

324
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:32,790
...you know I wouldn't leave you
if I had any other choice.

325
00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:36,027
          Then hug me.

326
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:38,896
        - What?
        - I want a hug.

327
00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:40,365
              Why?

328
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:43,668
  Well, because we may
  never see each other again.

329
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:47,038
      And we've never
taken the time to..

330
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,607
       ...you know...hug.

331
00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:02,987
Now tell me you love me.

332
00:17:02,989 --> 00:17:04,489
                       [sobbing]
                       Ooh, ALF.

333
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:07,558
Alright, alright,
just hurry back, okay?

334
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,594
 - And don't stop for anything.
 - No, no.

335
00:17:09,596 --> 00:17:12,730
 - Uh, except maybe some more--
 - Doughnuts.

336
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:17,935
             Jelly!

337
00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:21,406
Alright, I should take it easy.

338
00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:23,775
     I mean, the only thing
     we have to fear

339
00:17:23,777 --> 00:17:25,910
        is fear itself.

340
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:29,313
   Whoever said that must've
   had a lot of bodyguards.

341
00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:31,516
        [roach chirping]

342
00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:35,653
Be strong, be strong.

343
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:41,993
      [chirping continues]

344
00:17:41,995 --> 00:17:45,363
   Be afraid, be very afraid.

345
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:50,601
Listen, you don't wanna eat me!
I'm pure gristle!

346
00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:53,204
       My whole family
       has an aftertaste.

347
00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:56,174
 If you can hold out,
 there's doughnuts on the way.

348
00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:57,642
          [clattering]

349
00:17:57,644 --> 00:18:00,445
 Good idea! Put some coffee on.

350
00:18:00,447 --> 00:18:02,447
     [clattering continues]

351
00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:04,549
        [roach chirping]

352
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:06,184
       [glass shattering]

353
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:08,386
          [screaming]

354
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:13,925
    Oh! I should've guessed.

355
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:16,461
   It probably likes gristle.

356
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,497
    Now I feel like a tease.

357
00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:27,605
Hello, operator,
     this is an emergency!

358
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,407
  Give me the fire department

359
00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:32,376
  or the police,
  or the paramedics, somebody.

360
00:18:32,378 --> 00:18:34,612
   I don't care, you decide.

361
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:38,549
    Hello? Fire department?

362
00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:40,585
      Uh, well, I need you
      to come out here.

363
00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:44,055
   There's a giant cockroach
   trying to kill me!

364
00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:49,060
    Alright then. I'm a cat
    and I'm stuck in a tree.

365
00:18:49,062 --> 00:18:51,295
       Whatever it takes!

366
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:54,232
           [thudding]

367
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,434
        [roach chirping]

368
00:18:57,537 --> 00:19:00,071
       Operator, make it
       the paramedics!

369
00:19:00,073 --> 00:19:02,073
[ALF screaming]

370
00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:06,744
    Whoever builds the doors
    on this planet

371
00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:08,379
   ought to be horsewhipped!

372
00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:09,747
       [pounding on door]

373
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:11,682
           Occupied!

374
00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:15,419
   Alright, the party's over!

375
00:19:15,421 --> 00:19:19,090
   I've got a 357
   and I know how to use it!

376
00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:25,630
    No one's ever told me
    where these things lead.

377
00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:29,200
              Nah!

378
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:31,903
       [banging on door]

379
00:19:31,905 --> 00:19:34,005
      Oh, you want to use
      the bathroom!

380
00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:37,508
 Is that it?
 Hey, hey, I know the feeling!

381
00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:41,212
        [roach chirping]

382
00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:43,481
        [ALF screaming]

383
00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:47,118
Look, you're angry at the world,
I understand that, uh

384
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,554
    you probably didn't get
    enough love as a larva.

385
00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:51,522
 Uh, but-but I've got an idea.

386
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:53,090
    We could sit down, talk

387
00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:55,760
     have a nice cold glass
     of boric acid.

388
00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:57,795
You know, we could deal with it,
what do you..

389
00:19:57,797 --> 00:20:01,132
 What do you think about that?
 Ever see one of these, huh?

390
00:20:01,134 --> 00:20:03,568
        Take that, you..

391
00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:06,470
  Uh, uh, I was only kidding.
  Joke, joke.

392
00:20:06,472 --> 00:20:08,039
      Yeah, you know what,
      I've got the number

393
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:10,441
     of a good psychiatrist
friend of mine.

394
00:20:10,443 --> 00:20:13,044
     He, uh, he deals
     with psychopathic ants

395
00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:16,347
     and, uh, and roaches!
     Here, here, take this!

396
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:18,115
         [ALF grunting]

397
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:20,785
   Now you'll smell good too.

398
00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:27,558
      [crickets chirping]

399
00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:30,995
    ALF! ALF, are you okay?

400
00:20:30,997 --> 00:20:34,599
   Oh, hi, Willie.
   Did you get the doughnuts?

401
00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:38,502
   ALF...w-w-what did you do?

402
00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:40,504
         Nothing much.

403
00:20:40,506 --> 00:20:42,540
      Watched a little TV.

404
00:20:42,542 --> 00:20:45,343
        Killed the bug.

405
00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:47,445
      How did you kill it?

406
00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:50,748
Cheap cologne.

407
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:52,984
        That's perfume.

408
00:20:52,986 --> 00:20:56,487
I bought that for Kate
     on her last birthday.

409
00:20:56,489 --> 00:20:58,990
          You had roach problems
          then too?

410
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:03,427
How did you know to use this?

411
00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:06,530
    Well, I analyzed
    the list of ingredients

412
00:21:06,532 --> 00:21:08,866
    and based on what I know
    about the physiology

413
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:10,801
   of Melmacian cockroaches--

414
00:21:10,803 --> 00:21:13,704
        - ALF.
        - I lucked out.

415
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:18,509
I can't believe you took this
roach on all by yourself.

416
00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:20,845
You could've been killed.

417
00:21:20,847 --> 00:21:25,283
      When it comes to defending
      my home I'm an animal.

418
00:21:25,285 --> 00:21:28,152
That's just the way I'm made.

419
00:21:29,455 --> 00:21:30,988
    Well, I'm going to, uh..

420
00:21:30,990 --> 00:21:33,624
 ...I'm gonna drag this outside
 before Kate gets back.

421
00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:35,459
No, don't rough it up!

422
00:21:35,461 --> 00:21:38,462
Once they dry out,
they get brittle.

423
00:21:38,464 --> 00:21:40,031
 What difference does that make?

424
00:21:40,033 --> 00:21:41,565
        Are you kidding?

425
00:21:41,567 --> 00:21:43,534
I plan to have that guy stuffed

426
00:21:43,536 --> 00:21:46,337
       and mounted ASAP.

427
00:21:46,339 --> 00:21:49,206
  I thought it would look good
  over the fireplace.

428
00:21:49,208 --> 00:21:51,075
        We're getting rid of it!

429
00:21:51,077 --> 00:21:52,943
      [telephone ringing]

430
00:21:54,247 --> 00:21:57,948
 Hello? Oh, hi, Kate.
 I was just about to call you.

431
00:21:57,950 --> 00:22:00,217
I've got some good news
    about the roach.

432
00:22:00,219 --> 00:22:04,422
  And some bad news
  about your birthday present.

433
00:22:04,424 --> 00:22:07,625
      [instrumental music]

434
00:22:11,597 --> 00:22:13,297
       - Goodnight, ALF.
       - Hey, Brian.

435
00:22:13,299 --> 00:22:14,965
How about a bedtime story?

436
00:22:14,967 --> 00:22:17,968
    I'm too tired
    to tell you one tonight.

437
00:22:17,970 --> 00:22:21,639
    - No, I'll tell you one.
    - Oh, okay.

438
00:22:21,641 --> 00:22:24,842
What do you wanna hear?
"Babar The Elephant?"

439
00:22:24,844 --> 00:22:26,977
"The Princess And The Pea?"

440
00:22:26,979 --> 00:22:29,447
         Or "Brave ALF

441
00:22:29,449 --> 00:22:32,083
   And The Giant Cockroach?"

442
00:22:32,085 --> 00:22:36,821
  - I'll go with the princess.
  - Fine, read it yourself.

443
00:22:38,358 --> 00:22:40,624
What'd you do
with the cockroach?

444
00:22:40,626 --> 00:22:42,960
  We found a dump
  that doesn't ask questions.

445
00:22:42,962 --> 00:22:45,896
Too bad they don't give a prize
for the weirdest garbage.

446
00:22:45,898 --> 00:22:47,998
       ALF, did you check
       your spaceship

447
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:50,768
     see if there were
     any more cockroaches?

448
00:22:50,770 --> 00:22:52,737
     Consider it roachless.

449
00:22:52,739 --> 00:22:55,206
    But you-you sprayed
    everything with perfume

450
00:22:55,208 --> 00:22:56,741
         just in case?

451
00:22:56,743 --> 00:22:59,009
Well, everything but my gym bag.

452
00:22:59,011 --> 00:23:01,178
I don't want to get funny looks
if I ever go back

453
00:23:01,180 --> 00:23:03,414
       to my health club.

454
00:23:03,416 --> 00:23:05,616
What, what is this plant?

455
00:23:05,618 --> 00:23:07,385
Looks kind of like
a Venus flytrap.

456
00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:11,021
      - 'Hmm.'
      - It is. From Venus.

457
00:23:11,023 --> 00:23:14,692
 [sighs]
 I want that out of this house.

458
00:23:14,694 --> 00:23:17,261
    Why? It's just a plant.

459
00:23:17,263 --> 00:23:20,631
   It brightens up the room,
   gives off oxygen.

460
00:23:20,633 --> 00:23:22,733
        It eats insects.

461
00:23:23,469 --> 00:23:25,603
And pencils.

462
00:23:26,506 --> 00:23:27,772
     I'll get the perfume.

463
00:23:27,774 --> 00:23:29,540
I'll call and see
if the dump is still open.

464
00:23:29,542 --> 00:23:33,844
 I'll take back the boric acid
 and get some defoliant.

465
00:23:33,846 --> 00:23:36,280
   You people
   are getting good at this.

466
00:23:38,351 --> 00:23:40,351
      [instrumental music]

467
00:23:44,357 --> 00:23:47,358
[theme music]

468
00:24:11,284 --> 00:24:14,285
         [ALF laughing]